The Idol Bat

Introduction

Download the Guide to Stopping Duck Rape in awesome PDF format!

It is the beginning of spring. The weather is getting warmer and leaves are starting to appear on the trees. Spring is a joyous time for everyone…except female ducks. Hundreds, if not thousands, of Whitman students have been traumatized by having to witness the awful act of “procreation” to which the mallard drakes subject the female ducks every year. For those lucky souls who have not had to witness this act, you may take it from us: it is horrible. The female duck is chased by three to four males who, when they catch her, hold her down while they take turns forcing themselves upon her.
Some innocent-looking ducks in spring
Many at Whitman try and rationalize it by saying that it is natural, that duck rape is the ducks’ way of reproducing. They say that there is neither reason nor way to stop it, but we at the Idol Bat care too much about our female duck friends to stand by and do nothing. Who is to say that change can’t be made? Who is to say that we cannot stop the practice of duck rape? We cannot in good faith let them suffer any longer. We must take a stand together.

Thus, in order to assist those people who are for acting on the part of the helpless creatures, we have come up this Guide to Stopping Duck Rape. In this guide you will learn proven tactics and strategies, along with more…theoretical ones, to stop duck rape once and for all. The like-mindedly socially progressive must band together to stop these atrocities. (In order to show your support, you might consider getting your own Anti-Duck Rape apparel, located in the Idol Bat Online Store, to show everyone that you are a crusader for the defenseless).

The following guide is split into three categories, or levels of intervention: Lovey-Dovey Liberalism, Proactive Steps to Prevention, and New Mallard World Order. Which category you choose depends partially upon your commitment to the Cause, and mostly upon how far you are willing to take matters into your own hands.

Our female duck friends must be helped somehow, and we can be there for them. You must ask yourself whether or not you are willing to fight for what is right! Studying for your upcoming midterms or finals is nowhere near as important as dealing with this issue, so drop what you are doing, read this guide, and be prepared to make this spring the last duck-rape season at Whitman College.

Whitman College, WA Disaffected Whitman senior Edward Zenner, disgusted with the Undergraduate Conference and all it stands for, has announced the first soon-to-be-annual Whitman Antigraduate Conference to be held at various undisclosed locations around campus on April 10th at the same times as the Undergrad Conference.

The Antigrad Conference celebrates the excesses and iniquity of the Whitman student body through a day devoted entirely to students’ self-destructive behaviors, and will feature a number of talks starting the morning of the tenth and continuing through the afternoon and early evening until everyone is either passed out or someone overdoses.

Beginning with a conference prefunk, the first antigrad sessions will begin after all presenters have taken a couple of shots. Morning conferences include Rolling Your Own Cigarettes: the Lost Art, Marijuana in Maxey, Erlenmeyer Meets Mixers, Study Hard and Party Harder: a Case Study, and Problematizing the Essay: the Reification of Gender Roles by Bullshitting Assignments While Intoxicated. After the morning sessions are through, there will be a brief lunch/smoke break during which a small number of students will demonstrate disgustingly biological party tricks for the entertainment of the attendees.