The Idol Bat

Whitman College, WA Disaffected Whitman senior Edward Zenner, disgusted with the Undergraduate Conference and all it stands for, has announced the first soon-to-be-annual Whitman Antigraduate Conference to be held at various undisclosed locations around campus on April 10th at the same times as the Undergrad Conference.

The Antigrad Conference celebrates the excesses and iniquity of the Whitman student body through a day devoted entirely to students’ self-destructive behaviors, and will feature a number of talks starting the morning of the tenth and continuing through the afternoon and early evening until everyone is either passed out or someone overdoses.

Beginning with a conference prefunk, the first antigrad sessions will begin after all presenters have taken a couple of shots. Morning conferences include Rolling Your Own Cigarettes: the Lost Art, Marijuana in Maxey, Erlenmeyer Meets Mixers, Study Hard and Party Harder: a Case Study, and Problematizing the Essay: the Reification of Gender Roles by Bullshitting Assignments While Intoxicated. After the morning sessions are through, there will be a brief lunch/smoke break during which a small number of students will demonstrate disgustingly biological party tricks for the entertainment of the attendees.

Unless you haven’t taken off your earbuds in the past few months, you’ve surely heard about the Apple debacle by now. Microsoft is pissed that iTunes music won’t play on its iKnockoff, the Zune. Europeans have shed their iPods long enough to rage protests in the streets calling for iFairness. Steve Jobs has blamed the record labels for being unwilling to part with digital rights protection software. Well, in case this sounds boring to you, the Idol Bat is here to make things even more complicated.

On Tuesday a spokesperson for the independent watchdog agency WUAAM (Windows Users Against Apple Monopoly) reported the true reason that Apple has been so unwilling to budge on its iLockdown: subliminal messages!

Yes, that’s right. Apple has been accused of spreading subversive thoughts through its devices, brainwashing an entire society. Why, you might ask? Because they are being paid for it.

Apparently before the launch of the new generation of iPods, Apple signed a major deal with Six6Six Entertainment, the leading firm specializing in subliminal technology since the dawn of time. Head spokesperson, Luc I. Ferre was unavailable for comment on exactly what the arrangement included. He did, however, send us a tape that sounded like static, but after it was done we had a strange urge for donuts and forgot all about asking him questions.

Luckily we have another source here at the Idol Bat. A former employee of Apple has agreed to be our iBenedict Arnold and let you all in on the truth. Following is an excerpt from our conversations with him.

Whitman College, WA Students in the Penrose Allen Reading Room underwent an unpleasant surprise this past Wednesday when they found themselves suddenly being struck by large white marshmallows moving at high velocity. Whitman senior Alex Andrews, having finally snapped under the stresses of writing his thesis, created a slingshot from household items and took up a position on the balcony overlooking the Allen Reading Room, sending a barrage of sugary lumps at the hapless students below.

Andrews aims a marshmallow at the unsuspecting students below

Whitman security was eventually called to the scene, but remained in a standoff with Andrews until he ran out of marshmallows. Fortunately for all involved, marshmallows weren’t on sale when he went to buy them, so he only purchased a single bag.

“It could have been ugly,” commented one of the security guards who responded to the desperate calls from the library reference desk. “That slingshot of his was pretty high-powered, and we weren’t having any luck talking him down.

“Of course, our failed sting operation when we came up the stairs in a rush behind him might have had something to do with why he was reluctant to listen to reason, but that kind of thing always worked for me in Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon. I think it failed this time because my partner didn’t bring any flash grenades.”