Whitman College, WA After three years of publishing nothing but wholesome lies and libel, the Idol Bat has decided to expand its readership by publishing smut.

“People like to be lied to,” said Idol Bat PR agent Aaron McFlannagan. “You just have to turn on the news to know that. The thing is that even though people like lies, the readership demographic for the Idol Bat is still somewhat limited because reading is so old-fashioned. It’s all about TV and thirty-second attention spans these days. Why when I was a kid…”

After a solid thirty minutes of curmudgeonly mutterings, McFlannagan returned to the point. “So the Idol Bat has a somewhat limited readership because we don’t have any television ads. Thing is, those suckers cost serious money, but because our readership is limited we don’t have much revenue, and it just turns into a vicious cycle.

“End result, we’ve decided to broaden our readership by broadening our scope and publishing smut.” Leaning closer, McFlannagan said in a stage whisper, “That’s a nice word for porn.”

Unfortunately, while the Idol Bat’s intention to publish nude pictures of people in compromising and enticing positions is certainly admirable as far as expanding the readership goes, there is one key problem. The Idol Bat staff has no pictures of naked women to publish.

As founder Ian Beck remarked with a shrug, “We’d have pictures of naked women if we knew any.”

It is true, of course, that one of the Idol Bat’s editors is a woman, but unfortunately she refuses to send us any naked pictures, and we’ve only ever talked on AIM, so it is conceivable that her A/S/L (age, sex, location) is not actually 18/hott grl/californai like she says it is.

The alternative to publishing naked pictures of women would of course to be publish naked pictures of men. However, this is possibly not the readership-draw that the Idol Bat is seeking thanks to the fact that the only readily available pool of such men are the Idol Bat staff, and blinding or traumatizing our readers is probably not the best way to retain them.

With no good alternatives, the Idol Bat has found itself in the awkward position of only being able to offer textual smut. The cruel irony of this has not passed us by.

Although we will hopefully be able to offer a wide range of XXX text-based pictures and truly erotic descriptions of explicit sexual acts, we’ve included one image here to whet your appetite (assuming your appetite is for females, of course):

,_____________________
 l
 l   ,-,__,
 l  { / ,__
 l { `}'- -/
 l {`}' _,
 l  U__| T__,
 l /
 l/ /   }  }
 / / `~' `T } }
{ {   }    l/ /
    j   .] /
 l /     }/
 l {    /}
 l  {    Y l
 l   1    l
 l
 l     1,
 l      l
 l      l }   }
 l______1/   /_________
        {   /
        /  /|
       /  / ~-_,
      (, -~`'~
         _,
         `'~