It is the beginning of spring. The weather is getting warmer and leaves are starting to appear on the trees. Spring is a joyous time for everyone…except female ducks. Hundreds, if not thousands, of Whitman students have been traumatized by having to witness the awful act of “procreation” to which the mallard drakes subject the female ducks every year. For those lucky souls who have not had to witness this act, you may take it from us: it is horrible. The female duck is chased by three to four males who, when they catch her, hold her down while they take turns forcing themselves upon her.
Many at Whitman try and rationalize it by saying that it is natural, that duck rape is the ducks’ way of reproducing. They say that there is neither reason nor way to stop it, but we at the Idol Bat care too much about our female duck friends to stand by and do nothing. Who is to say that change can’t be made? Who is to say that we cannot stop the practice of duck rape? We cannot in good faith let them suffer any longer. We must take a stand together.
Thus, in order to assist those people who are for acting on the part of the helpless creatures, we have come up this Guide to Stopping Duck Rape. In this guide you will learn proven tactics and strategies, along with more…theoretical ones, to stop duck rape once and for all. The like-mindedly socially progressive must band together to stop these atrocities. (In order to show your support, you might consider getting your own Anti-Duck Rape apparel, located in the Idol Bat Online Store, to show everyone that you are a crusader for the defenseless).
The following guide is split into three categories, or levels of intervention: Lovey-Dovey Liberalism, Proactive Steps to Prevention, and New Mallard World Order. Which category you choose depends partially upon your commitment to the Cause, and mostly upon how far you are willing to take matters into your own hands.
Our female duck friends must be helped somehow, and we can be there for them. You must ask yourself whether or not you are willing to fight for what is right! Studying for your upcoming midterms or finals is nowhere near as important as dealing with this issue, so drop what you are doing, read this guide, and be prepared to make this spring the last duck-rape season at Whitman College.
Those who choose this category are usually of the commie-pinko-hippie persuasion. They want to avoid violence and the responsibility of taking more active steps. If you are lazy, but still want to contribute to the fight against duck rape because of that annoying little cricket we like to call our conscience, these techniques are for you.
Distracting with bread crumbs: Ducks love bread, so when you see male ducks attempting to attack a female duck, go run and get that extra loaf you stole from the dining hall. Remember, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach; if you want the males not to rape, entice them with the alternative of eating. Eating bread is so much more wholesome than raping. Bear in mind, though, that it is technically a violation of college policy to feed the ducks, so know that you run the risk of a slap on the wrist from Whitman security.
Hold seminars with ducks of both sexes: You may have heard of sexual harassment training seminars hired out by the legal departments of companies all across the nation so that employees can learn useful dialogues along the lines of “[insert harasser’s name], you violated my private space when you made the conscious choice to grab my posterior.” “[insert harassed person’s name], I validate your need for private space and will try to not encroach on your rights as a human being.” Why not use the same type of seminar for the ducks? The two genders can learn the necessary dialogue and methods of validation for the feelings of each side, so that ducks all around campus can progress in tackling their personal, professional, and yes, reproductive issues.
Bore them to sleep with Core books: Just like Kant and Nietzsche put you to sleep during your freshman year, rape-happy mallard bastards are not able to stand up to the power of Core, and after a few pages of Saint Augustine will not have the energy to continue their sinful, sinful ways. It will be a challenge to get the male ducks to listen to Core books, of course, but once you get across that little hurdle, you should easily be able to put them to sleep. If nothing else, try to convince them that they will not be able to graduate without hearing the words of these seminal authors.
Create Safe Zone for Ducks posters: These posters will indicate that on this particular campus, duck rape is not tolerated. Displaying a poster is an indication that this is a safe refuge for the female duck, as well as a warning to the rape-happy male. In addition, this will create solidarity in the movement, highlighting that everyone who does not have a poster on a nearby tree or door is basically supportive of mallard rapists.
Cover females with pungent anti-male odor: There is nothing like a stinky partner to dampen a person’s libidinal urges, and this includes male ducks. Granted, this action is slightly more active than the others in this category, but since it is working through conscious decisions made by the would-be raping male ducks to not be around the smelly female, it is still safely within the bounds of lovey-dovey liberalism.
Proactive Steps to Prevention
We can all admit that those previous methods were a bit…fruity. Possibly worse. For the serious crusader against duck rape, this next category of methods will be right up your alley. The following employ the idea that in order for serious change, human intervention is necessary in order to empower and push the duck community in the right direction.
Physical intervention to remove offending males to a different locale: There is nothing as direct and logical as physical intervention. Take the male by either the neck, wing, leg, or just whole body (the last is probably most preferable) and carry him as best as you can to another area. Keep distance in mind, since those offending males could simply fly right back to where you don’t want them to go if you are not careful.
Soft-core duck porn distrubuted to Lakum Duckum: Ask yourself, what’s the cure for the sexually frustrated duck who is so repressed that he has to go out there and rape female ducks? Duck porn, of course! Allow male ducks to vent their sexual frustration and their will to engage in forced sex will decrease. It’s a very simple equation. Read duck porn aloud in an easily accessible place for the horny mallards at a weekly time and place.
Pepper spray activated by distressed quacks: Female ducks lack opposable thumbs, yet they need to defend themselves. Technologies should be created where a frequency or wavelength of a quack that denotes distress could set off a pepper spray device for the female’s protection. Will you be the noble soul to invent this device?
Chase the male ducks away: Simple, fun, and you can employ the help of the inebriated or very small children…nothing can go wrong with this plan. Unless, of course, the ducks happen to live near a cliff and you aren’t particularly observant, but this is rather beyond the realm of possibility for most colleges.
Herding female ducks into large groups for their own defense: When female ducks organize, they can band together and form their own support group by which to combat duck rape more effectively on their own. By herding them into large groups, you will be encouraging the process of coming together for the support of female ducks on campus.
Throwing anything that comes to hand: If you see duck rape and are hard-pressed to come up with a better method to combat it, just throw something at the male duck. This could include carabiners, Nalgenes, small people, pens, etc. Whatever you can get your hands on, throw. Just be sure you have good aim as you do not want to hit an innocent bystander…or worse, a female duck.
VSA (Vindictive Samaritan Act): Encourage your government officials from ASWC to Capitol Hill to pass this monumental piece of legislation to help protect female ducks. This bill allows for vigilante justice without having to worry about criminal prosecution for harm to animals if one decides to go after duck rapists. Once we get the law on our side, we can have more room to fight duck rape without having to worry about landing in jail as a result of our misdirected actions.
Give the ducks legal marijuana or cigarettes: If you give the mallards pot, they will be chill and want to eat (thus you could employ the bread idea from earlier). If you give them cigarettes, eventually they will be impotent, and the problem will go away entirely.
New Mallard World Order
This is the category for those people who know in their heart of hearts that nothing short of a complete restructuring of duck society will solve the entrenched problem of duck rape. While some may claim that these techniques are merely ways to be socially condoned sadists, they are in fact simply incredibly effective ways to reach an end. As long as you avoid getting caught up in the whole morality issue, the following techniques will be devastatingly effective.
Distract male ducks with rice: Following the same basic reasoning as the bread crumbs approach, this adds the interesting twist that the male duck’s stomach will explode soon after consuming your bait. It has been statistically proven that a dead mallard is 95% less likely to rape a female duck than a live one, so this technique can be remarkably useful. Of course, there is always a chance that an unwitting female duck will eat the rice and meet an untimely end as well, but as long as you show a bit of finesse this should not be a problem. And after all, collateral damage happens.
Shooting, cooking, and consuming sections of the male duck population: Similar to the previous method, the technique of turning mallards into duck ‡ la mode is not only a good way to cut down on the amount of duck rape going on, but it also provides you with a tasty meal. College officials may react badly to hunting rifles on campus, however, so be circumspect.
Castration of the bad ducks: It’s been suggested for human sex offenders, so why not the ducks? There is a reason that eunuchs guarded harems, after all. Take away a duck’s little quacker, and not only will he never be able to rape again but you send a strong message to other potential duck rapists.
Arm the female ducks: If pepper spray is too weak for your tastes, then why not provide duck-operable semi-automatic weapons? Even a simple pistol in the wings of a threatened female duck can turn her from a helpless victim into a whirling bit of feathered death. This method also is a little less likely to land you in jail than previous methods, and supports the time-honored American tradition of the right to bear arms. Or wings, as the case may be.
Organize a squirrel militia: College students are often too busy to constantly be on the patrol for potential duck rapists, but by deferring the responsibility to a well-trained squirrel militia we can keep our campus safe for female ducks and still have time to binge-drink on Friday nights.
Shock collars: These little instruments of pain and torment have proven very effective for keeping dogs in line. The technology would be easily generalized to ducks, and by fitting females with triggers and the males with shock collars the incidence of duck rape would drop dramatically.
Chastity belts for female ducks: If you are the type who likes to put the onus of responsibility on the female ducks, then this is the perfect solution to duck rape. Granted, wearing a heavy metal chastity belt while swimming is not exactly a recipe for success, but what’s life without a little danger? Drowning would probably be an extremely novel experience for a duck.
Hire ninjas: When in doubt, hire a slew of ninjas. This solution applies to virtually any problem known to man. As has been said, there isn’t a problem alive that can’t be solved by throwing lots of ninjas at it.