Unless you haven’t taken off your earbuds in the past few months, you’ve surely heard about the Apple debacle by now. Microsoft is pissed that iTunes music won’t play on its iKnockoff, the Zune. Europeans have shed their iPods long enough to rage protests in the streets calling for iFairness. Steve Jobs has blamed the record labels for being unwilling to part with digital rights protection software. Well, in case this sounds boring to you, the Idol Bat is here to make things even more complicated.

On Tuesday a spokesperson for the independent watchdog agency WUAAM (Windows Users Against Apple Monopoly) reported the true reason that Apple has been so unwilling to budge on its iLockdown: subliminal messages!

Yes, that’s right. Apple has been accused of spreading subversive thoughts through its devices, brainwashing an entire society. Why, you might ask? Because they are being paid for it.

Hear an excerpt:

Reversed:

Apparently before the launch of the new generation of iPods, Apple signed a major deal with Six6Six Entertainment, the leading firm specializing in subliminal technology since the dawn of time. Head spokesperson, Luc I. Ferre was unavailable for comment on exactly what the arrangement included. He did, however, send us a tape that sounded like static, but after it was done we had a strange urge for donuts and forgot all about asking him questions.

Luckily we have another source here at the Idol Bat. A former employee of Apple has agreed to be our iBenedict Arnold and let you all in on the truth. Following is an excerpt from our conversations with him.

Idol Bat: So what exactly is this deal that Six6Six Entertainment has with Apple?

iSnitch: Do you think HE can hear me in here? I’m so worried…what if he finds out what I’ve done?

Idol Bat: Don’t worry, not even Steve Jobs can get you here.

iWhistleBlower: AGH! He’s not even the worst devil involved in this. The deal is to spread messages from the TRUE devil himself through the products! And in exchange, they throw in an occasional message about needing to by more iProducts.

Idol Bat: Aha! I knew it! Apple products couldn’t become so popular with just their sleek design, user-friendly controls, and hip image. No, they needed help from the man downstairs. How exactly is this all…um…where did you go? This isn’t funny! I just saw a poof of black smoke, a couple flames, and then you were gone. And now there are scorch marks on the carpet. You will pay!

After a nice iRelaxation with our trusty iPods, we felt better about the burnt carpet. And then we began to wonder: what if this was true? What if Satan was speaking to us through the iPod? After ingesting several mild hallucinogens in the search for truth, we had a revelation about how the deal must have gone down…

Demonic iPodSatan, Jr.’s demonic themed iPod

«Enter Dream Sequence»

Satan is in his study, speaking slowly into an old phonograph machine and pressing new vinyl with his word. In walks Satan Jr.

Satan: Hey, son, come over here. I think it’s time you learn how we are going to take over the world. If we sell a couple billion more copies of Stairway to Heaven and then spread the rumor again about playing the vinyl backwards, then it will all be ours! (Satan begins maniacal cackling) Hey! Son! Are you even listening to me?

Jr., realizing that the frantic gesturing, fireballs, and glare of death must mean that Dad wants to talk to him, takes his earbuds out and walks over to the album pressing equipment.

Junior: Are you still doing this archaic stuff, Dad? No one listens to vinyl anymore except uber-hipster kids and music snobs, and who are Led Zeppelin? Why not get on board with the Black Eyed Peas or Fall Out Boy? Whatever…

As Jr. Walks off with his earbuds firmly replaced, clearly disgusted, Satan has an idea. What the world needs is the iSatan…

And so a match made in hell was conceived!

In other news, those Idol Bat reporters who own iPods have been experiencing strange cravings for violence, unprotected sex with multiple partners, and iPhones.