The Idol Bat

Whitman College, WA Students in the Penrose Allen Reading Room underwent an unpleasant surprise this past Wednesday when they found themselves suddenly being struck by large white marshmallows moving at high velocity. Whitman senior Alex Andrews, having finally snapped under the stresses of writing his thesis, created a slingshot from household items and took up a position on the balcony overlooking the Allen Reading Room, sending a barrage of sugary lumps at the hapless students below.

Andrews aims a marshmallow at the unsuspecting students below

Whitman security was eventually called to the scene, but remained in a standoff with Andrews until he ran out of marshmallows. Fortunately for all involved, marshmallows weren’t on sale when he went to buy them, so he only purchased a single bag.

“It could have been ugly,” commented one of the security guards who responded to the desperate calls from the library reference desk. “That slingshot of his was pretty high-powered, and we weren’t having any luck talking him down.

“Of course, our failed sting operation when we came up the stairs in a rush behind him might have had something to do with why he was reluctant to listen to reason, but that kind of thing always worked for me in Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon. I think it failed this time because my partner didn’t bring any flash grenades.”

Idol Bat reporters were able to track down Andrews where he was being detained in the Counseling Center for questioning by George Bridges’ secret police.

“I don’t know what came over me,” stated Andrews to reporters. “I was sitting down in the basement of Penrose working on my thesis. I had just finished the section on Jesus—I’m a religion major—but I was having trouble thinking what to write for the next bit. And I just couldn’t take it. I’ve always hated the Allen Reading Room. It feels so sterile. So I decided to show those bastards in there what’s what. They should be out living it up, not trapped inside the library! Play now, while you still have a chance!”

When questioned about the method he used to rain marshmallowy terror on the Allen Reading Room, Andrews boasted about his homemade slingshot.

The incriminating slingshot stashed in Andrews’ locker

“All it took was ingenuity and duct tape,” said Andrews. “I found a pair of croquet wickets and attached them to a kitchen spoon with duct tape. Then I braced them with a butter knife and braided several rubber bands to each side. Once I made a pocket for the marshmallows and attached it to the rubber bands, I was set to go. You could put a window out with that thing!”

According to sources within the library, Andrews had been stashing his slingshot in his locker for quite some time, throwing into question whether his act was more premeditated than previously thought.

In any case, the incident has awoken key campus authorities to the dangers inherent in the senior thesis.

“I knew about the psychological trauma and stress-related injuries that always result thanks to the senior theses,” said George Bridges, college president. “I just figured that it was job security for the Counseling Center. But now that the effects of the thesis have rippled out into the general student population, we are reevaluating whether we can afford to allow seniors access to lockers where they can hide contraband. We’ve also discussed setting up marshmallow detectors at the entrances and exits of Penrose to guard against such contraband being smuggled into the library in the future. We considered having a symposium on the subject, but decided against it thanks to the fact that adding more to seniors’ plates would likely be unwise.”

Although the question of whether or not more seniors will snap before the end is still up in the air, Andrews at least will no longer be a danger to the general campus populace.

“He’s going to be locked up for a long time,” stated Bridges.