Whitman College, WA Disaffected Whitman senior Edward Zenner, disgusted with the Undergraduate Conference and all it stands for, has announced the first soon-to-be-annual Whitman Antigraduate Conference to be held at various undisclosed locations around campus on April 10th at the same times as the Undergrad Conference.

The Antigrad Conference celebrates the excesses and iniquity of the Whitman student body through a day devoted entirely to students’ self-destructive behaviors, and will feature a number of talks starting the morning of the tenth and continuing through the afternoon and early evening until everyone is either passed out or someone overdoses.

Beginning with a conference prefunk, the first antigrad sessions will begin after all presenters have taken a couple of shots. Morning conferences include Rolling Your Own Cigarettes: the Lost Art, Marijuana in Maxey, Erlenmeyer Meets Mixers, Study Hard and Party Harder: a Case Study, and Problematizing the Essay: the Reification of Gender Roles by Bullshitting Assignments While Intoxicated. After the morning sessions are through, there will be a brief lunch/smoke break during which a small number of students will demonstrate disgustingly biological party tricks for the entertainment of the attendees.

Several afternoon sessions of note include Better Sex on Ecstasy: an Exploration of Drug-Enhanced Orgasms, Heroin Isn’t as Bad as it Sounds: One Frat Member’s Excursion Into the World of the Junkie, From Gentle Buzz to Ten Beers and a Threesome, Becoming a Successful Super-Senior, and Pink Elephants Before Breakfast: Comparative Studies in Acid, Mushrooms, Peyote, and Other Hallucinogens.

A key feature of the antigrad conference will be the post-conference party, which will start soon after the last session is complete and last until the drugs and alcohol run out. As the general goal of the antigrad conference will be reveling in our self-destructive behaviors, designated drivers will not be welcome.

Those interested in attending the antigrad conference are encouraged to contact Zenner, at which time they will be told the location of the sessions and after-conference party.